


Sunrise, Sunset

by nikohenry17



Category: BROCKHAMPTON (Band), JOBA - Fandom, Kevin Abstract | Ian Simpson - Fandom, Matt Champion - Fandom
Genre: Bisexual, Coming Out, Drinking, Drug Use, Falling In Love, Gay, Gay Male Character, Gay Rights, Love, M/M, MOBA, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Slow Burn, Tragedy, Unrequited Love, Young Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-10-01 15:20:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17246588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nikohenry17/pseuds/nikohenry17
Summary: It's true what they say about love had and love lost.Here you are and now you're gone.What you waiting for?





	1. A Mirror

**Author's Note:**

> This is an AU. I do not support the shipping of any of the people in this story in real life. (also the underage part only lasts for a few chapters but I need to add the warning regardless. I do not support the exploitation of minors.) thanks xx

“Ru- I mean- Joba?”

Matt just got back from the Gas Station with snacks. Saturday was movie night. Matt hated movies usually but Joba had good taste.

“yeah? I’m in the bathroom.”

Joba was in the bathroom washing his face in the mirror. The door was open and Matt could see the light coming from the room as he was standing by the front door.

Joba quickly dried his face off and turned away from the mirror to peak his head out into the hallway to look for Matt.  
Matt set the bag on the counter in the kitchen as Joba continued.

“uhm- You have the food then?”

“no I just went to the gas station, bought nothing, and drove back.”

Joba laughed, and continued to mindlessly chat with Matt. Matt marched down the hallway to Joba and brought him his Red Bull. Joba thanked him and turned back to the mirror and began to wipe it down to fill the time.

“you’re being weird.” Matt thought about all the possible things Joba could have been doing  
that would have gotten water on the mirror. 

__

(Was he washing his face? Not for me, right?  
Interesting.)

Joba rebutted, “okay, but like, how?” he was still faced away from Matt, wiping down the glass.

in the few seconds before Matt answered, Joba looked at Matt over his shoulder through the mirror. He was smiling, leaning on the inside of the doorway behind the specks of dried water on the mirror. His freckles and hazel eyes struck a specific string on Joba’s heart that made him feel like a piece of paper falling from the ceiling. 

“You’re just not usually so... aloof? I don’t know. You can’t tell?”

“I feel like I’m always like this.” Joba kind of sputtered out with a laugh, defensively. Still faced away from Matt, Joba knew why he was being… aloof. The pauses between each other’s exchanging words were ugly and pregnant. The tension was soft and rounded, but still noticeable.

Matt laughed before saying “okay fine I’ll drop it.”

Joba turned and drove Matt out of the bathroom before turning the light off.  
Encounters like this, where Matt confronted Joba's awkwardness and skittish thoughts, happened every so often. Not often enough for the topic to be explored but often enough.

“anyways, what’s the movie you bought?” Matt said.  
Hoisting himself up by his palms, he sat on the kitchen island.

Joba was connecting his phone to the speaker propped up in the corner under the cabinets.  
“It’s about Tonya Harding.”

“isn’t she that girl that broke Nancy Kerrigan’s leg or something?”

“yeah, like a million years ago. I don’t know anything about her and that’s probably a good thing. It’ll teach me something, y’know?”

“I guess. What's it called?”

Joba answered, "I, Tonya."

Joba turned around and caught Matt waving his feet. Matt's feet were far from the floor when he was sitting on the counter.  
His black hair kind of bounced in sync with his movements.  
Every time he REALLY looked at Matt he got butterflies, he got that feeling in his stomach when you floor it down a steep road, when you open the oven to check on the cookies and the heat hits your face like an ocean wave.

Joba was 19, Matt was 17.  
They’d probably known each other since Matt's 6th grade, but Joba argues it was earlier than that.

Matt is easy going, and Matt is nice enough. Joba is the opposite of easy going, and he is the opposite of nice enough. Of course, that's from Joba's perspective. Hard to talk to and hard understand if he does talk.

Matt caught Joba staring, and Joba, for some reason, recovered by pretending he was looking over Matt’s head at the front door.  
It might have crossed Joba’s mind that if Matt confronted him more often, Joba might fall apart. Maybe say some things he isn't sure he means? He didn't really know exactly. But it wasn't his favorite scenario.

Joba imagined this dynamic like there was a likelihood as to how much questioning it would actually take to get himself to crack.  
With every inquiry, that ratio of pressured, flase confession got more and more narrow. More and more eventual. More and more likely that thoughts would be shared with those that need not know about them.

Before they watched the movie, Joba had to load the dishwasher and go unload the dryer.  
So, the music went on and Matt watched Joba rinse stuff off and bend down to put it in the dishwasher while the sun went down outside.  
It was dark out right now at around 6 pm and the reflection of the empty window that was in front of the sink let Joba see Matt watching him.  
It was almost graceful, the entire scene.

The vibe was definitely soft and comfortable.  
So was Matt.  
Joba always imagined the correlation, that Matt brought a certain safety and happiness to his apartment that no one else could.  
But at this point, it might just be Joba associating Matt with those lovely moods because of how often they come to him when Matt is around. 

Wildly enough, Matt rarely pulled out his phone. He spent the majority of his time on the kitchen Island watching his tall friend’s back.  
Matt thought about Joba's wilderness, and absentmindedly tried to come up with a root cause he could understand

__

(there’s something bothering him that he feels like he can’t tell me. He CAN tell me anything, right? What could I possibly not handle?)

__

Joba would catch glances of Matt in the window and it filled him with a certain security he couldn't compare much to. The night went on and Joba eventually finished loading the dishwasher. He turned, and grabbed his phone and looked through it for a minute while talking to matt.

“I’ll be right back, I need to go get the clothes out of the dryer and hang them up and stuff, and then we watch our movie” Joba looked up at matt with a look that communicated "is that okay?" Flashed a smile before wiping his hands off in a towel, Matt agreed and then Joba set the towel on the counter next to the sink.

“hurry back" Matt said before sliding off the counter and going to the bathroom to fix his hair and whatnot.  
Matt whispered to himself in the mirror "figure it out shithead. What kind of friend are you?!" Some time passed and before long Joba popped his head into the hallway to tell Matt the movie was ready.  
Matt sighed, and dashed back into the kitchen, grabbed the snacks, the speaker, and Joba's phone went back down the hallway to Joba's room.  
“better be ready” Matt mumbled walking down the hallway.


	2. A Fever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so trigger warning for very slight mention of Self Harm and also some pretty big mentions of mental illness. xx

Virtually everything in matt and Joba’s lives that had to do with each other, like movie night, playing baseball together, and obviously their friendship, had come about without any effort from either one of them. 

Everything that has blossomed between them so far just sort of happened.  
Joba always thought that they were meant to have a bond from the beginning because of this.  
Because, they were so comfortable around each other and it had always been that way.

The movie ended.  
It was 10 pm right now and they were both feeling sleepy sitting on Joba’s full sized mattress that rested on the floor.

Joba spoke first, “It’s kind of like, my life, y’know?”

“What do you mean?”  
“Well she was put through so much and everything still kind of worked out for her in the end. I’m still hoping everything works out for me in the end.”

“It will Joba, I promise.”

“You don’t know that Matt.”

“You just said you were hoping- “

“Yeah, I know that but hope is not the same thing as certainty. I want that… promise from life, like a sign or something that it will work out for sure.”

“Have you ever thought that maybe I’m your sign?” Matt said before the long empty silence filled the room. He waited for an answer before getting frustrated. “Joba?”

“Bold of you to assume that you are.”

Joba was sitting in the corner of the mattress with his legs pulled up to his chest.  
His arms wrapped around his legs.  
He was being defensive and it was out of nervousness more than anything else. He was being harsh and he knew it but he didn’t want to really believe that Matt was the world’s gift to him.  
The universe’s sign.

“I can leave if you want me to- “

“No don’t leave- I’m sorry. I don’t mean to get so irritable, I just- My mind is all over the place lately, I’m sorry. Stay.” Joba patted the bed, inviting Matt to sit next to him.

Matt laughed before smirking and answering “You are a… piece of work sometimes.”

Matt sat next to Joba on the mattress. It was strangely intimate, in a platonic way.  
Matt and Joba always tried to have movie night every Saturday. And they always slept in the same bed, it was 100% big enough for both of them.  
Joba was a whole 7 inches taller than Matt, Joba being six foot one. This really just meant that Joba’s bed was really big for Matt.

After some more banter, they both changed and turned out the lights, laying pretty far from each other on the mattress.  
Matt had this old silver heart-locket necklace that he wore under his shirt. He took it off when he showered and when he slept, but most of the time, he kept it on.  
Joba had no idea what picture was inside of it- that is assuming that there’s a picture inside it at all. Matt did not have a girlfriend that Joba knew of so if there was a picture in it, it was of probably of a family member.  
It was the first thing Matt put on in the morning and the last thing he took off at night.

In the morning Joba wakes up in his room alone on the mattress, the sunlight is pouring through the apartment window and the wood floors are cold on Joba’s bare feet when he gets up to go find Matt.

Joba slips a hoodie on over his fluffy, blonde hair after spotting Matt out on the balcony, smoking a cigarette. Joba's hoddie he just put on had his phone in the pocket. When he clicked the screen on it read 9:15 am.

Joba opens the door that connects the balcony to his bedroom and steps out into the warm December sun in the heart of Texas. It was roughly 50 degrees outside, at least that’s what it felt like.

“Good morning” Matt said brightly, taking a drag off his cigarette. Joba didn’t support Matt’s habit but he smoked too so he wasn’t really the one to talk.

“I had a weird dream last night” Joba said pulling up a chair to sit next to Matt. The noise of the chair grinding agaisnt the concrete was loud out on the peaceful balcony.

“Not a nightmare though? Just a dream?”

“Yes- you need to stop worrying about me”

“Who said I worry about you”

“You worry about me all the time kid”

“You got me there.” Matt took another drag.  
Matt continued after tilting his head up and blowing the smoke into the sky, “What was the dream then?”

Joba went on, “Well… I’m like, a kid and I’m standing in the middle of a bridge with my mom and my brothers and I’m holding my mom’s hand looking down at the stars reflecting in the water- because it’s night- and it’s that bridge over Blanco River. When all the sudden, the bridge just disappears and I’m just floating above the lake in the dark, and I start shining like a star. And there’s a feeling in my gut like everyone’s watching expecting me to do something and do it well…”

Matt made a ‘hm’ noise, put out his cigarette in the ash tray that was placed on the ground next to his chair, and said, “I wonder what all that means. Because dreams are really just insight into your own life, you know.”

Joba talked, “I think I’m just depressed.” 

“I know you are but what does all that have to do with your neurosis?”

“Not sure. It was depressing though.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, nothing you could do about it anyways.”

“We should go get breakfast, yeah?” Matt said, turning his head to Joba with a smile”

“Sure.”

Matt always drove when they were together, Joba kind of hated driving.  
They parked Matt’s car and waited to be seated inside.

“You’ll feel better. I know it’s Sunday but the day will get better, I promise.” Matt said.

“You sure promise me a lot of things.”

“Only because-”

The host came over to Matt and Joba and asked if they wanted a table or a booth.  
Matt looked at Joba and then quickly back at the host and said “A booth, please.”

She lead Joba and Matt to a booth on the other side of the restaurant, handed them their menus and some silverware before leaving.  
They sat close to each other in the booth, contemplating foods and drinks before Joba started talking again,

“So, only because what?”

“Nothing, it’s fine.”

“No, please tell me Matty”

“Only because I’m sure that I can help. I know I can. It sounds a little… dumb but I know I can make you feel better. I know.”

Joba let out a sigh that sounded like saying ‘you’re right’ before talking, “You can. You always do.” Joba said, smiling down at the table, half heartedly.

Matt kind of dodged the question, because his real answer sounded like ‘because if I didn’t tell you that, you’d lose all your motivation and you might give up.’ Which was not very nice, really.  
Matt cared for Joba, in a deep way he didn’t care for anyone else with.

The waitress came back, took their orders and left.  
Matt had his own personal demons that he didn’t complain about often to Joba, this was really only because Joba was not stable enough to deal with anyone else’s problems other than his own. Matt knew this and he knew all about the lonely nights, nooses, and rehab. Matt really was Joba’s safe, in more ways than one.

Matt turned to Joba and struggled to say, but still say “You- you know that you can tell me anything right?”

Joba put his phone face down on the table before saying, “Yeah? What’s this about?”

“Nothing- I mean nothing particular, I just wanted you to know.”

“You’re the one that’s being weird now.”

“I know I’m being weird, you don’t need to point it out.”

Joba hated when Matt asked why he was acting different so Joba didn’t inquire any further. Matt usually did not get this… way.

“Anyways…” Matt said “after we eat, do you want to hang out at my house and just, jam or something?”

Joba spoke, “Jam?” He laughed, “Yeah, I mean, yeah that’s fine.”

“Cool.” Matt smiled.

The sun made the Texas town come to a boil at noon, almost directly above them, now making the December temperature 63 degrees outside.

They got into Matt’s car and Joba just sat in the passenger’s seat with his feet on the dash waiting for Matt to start the car, lost in thought.  
Matt was about to start the car before he noticed Joba and said,

“So what’s on your mind?”

“Me? Nothing. I’m just thinking about how, everyone in their cars look so angry all the time in this town. It’s so weird. Like everyone has somewhere they were supposed to be an hour ago and they’re still held up in traffic.”  
   
“Interesting perspective. Very cynical of you too. It’s Sunday-“

“Enough Sunday bullshit! You know it’s not a hard day for everyone so why-“

“Joba was is your problem lately?!”

The windows kind of fogged up and Joba’s frustrated expression faded when he saw the frown on Matt’s face

“I’m gay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took me a hot second to update. I'll have the next one up by next weekend hopefully. xx


	3. A Necklace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw on this chapter for alcoholism and swearing. xx

“You’re- you’re gay?”

“Y- Yes I’m gay.”

Joba looked rightfully flustered, his entire face was red.  
Matt wasn’t upset at all, quite the opposite, but he was focused on Joba’s feelings and trying to make him feel like it’s okay. Like, this car was a safe place for Joba to talk about this. Because right now, the room was heated and anxious.

Matt laughed and affirmed Joba, “I’ll always lo- uh- support you. No matter what happens.”

Joba was trying not to cry so hard, but even with the effort, a quiet tear leaked out of the corner of one of his eyes. Joba was staring at Matt, wondering all kinds of things. Trying to decide what to say.  
Eventually, after a bit of silence, Joba decided to just hug Matt. They stayed in that hug for a while before Joba pulled away.

“Thank you. I’ve known for like, a million years now I think. I just didn’t have the balls to tell anyone until just now.”

Truthfully Joba’s big weight on his shoulders was not as simple as being gay, but that was a close second. The problems were definitely… related.

Matt spoke after Joba,  
“It would probably be fair for you to ask me a secret now then, right?”

Joba didn’t hesitate.

“Whose picture is in your locket?”

“dude, that’s the one thing I can’t tell you.”

“Matty, please.”

“One day I will but it’s actually really, really personal to me.”

Joba wasn’t hurt but he was kind of disappointed.  
Joba sighed and accepted it.

“I get it.”

After this revelation, Joba and Matt drove to Matt’s house where he lived with his mom and his older sister Sarah.

Sarah and Joba went to school together and actually hung out, too. Probably a little less often than Matt and Joba did, though. Joba knew Matt’s mom and Sarah well.

Joba and Matt were in Matt’s room, messing around with beats on instruments on the computer for hours. After they decide to stop Matt finished and saved their file. The sun was setting outside as Joba moved from the computer to sit on Matt’s bed. Looking out the window, staring at the colors that illustrated the sky, Joba watched the clouds move in silence.

Matt watched Joba from the computer chair.  
It seemed like Matt watched Joba a lot.  
He watched Joba exist and make sense of the world through his own eyes, he watched Joba soak in his surroundings.

“It’s only colorful because of the pollution.”  
Joba sighed.

Matt wanted to see the orange and purple sunset reflect in Joba’s brown eyes so bad.  
Matt got up and moved to sit next to Joba on the bed. Matt put his head on Joba’s shoulder.  
Joba didn’t move.

Matt looked up at Joba wanting to say something, Joba still didn’t move.

Matt stared into Joba’s eyes, heart pounding like a humming bird, butterflies in his stomach and stuttered,

“I-”

Joba’s head slightly turned softly to look down at matt.  
Joba’s face read ‘yeah?’

When matt’s mouth moved to say it, no sound came out.  
Matt was blushing hard but the orange, warm light through the window blended Matt’s red, flushed face into the softest shade of gold. Shimmering and beautiful. The freckles on Matt’s face curved over his face like he was a painting of himself, perfect and picturesque. 

Joba spoke very, very softly.

“go ahead.”

Matt had a lump in his throat, he tried to swallow his guilt and fear before whispering,  
“I think- I think I’m bi.”

Joba looked shocked. Never had Joba ever gotten the slightest hint that Matt was bi. Scenes and past situations became clear suddenly, like the lens of life just focused. What confused Joba about Matt’s actions before, had just made sense.  
Even Matt’s head on Joba’s shoulder right now made sense.  
The current event unfolding was obvious but neither of them wanted to address it and risk ruining the moment.

Matt’s expression was gloomy and hard to read. He looked scared. He was almost frowning, but that’s not quite what his face was doing. It was different than sadness or fear. It looked like grief.

The wind pulled and pushed the swaying trees that neared Matt’s window, not unlike how the moon pushed and pulled the tides.  
They were warm together on the bed, just breathing in the same space and time.  
“I’m proud of you.” Joba said before lifting a brave arm up from his right side, over his own body, to sweep the golden-brown hair out of Matt’s hazel eyes.  
Matt was crying quietly like Joba had in the car earlier but the tears made a mess of Matt’s face and they were filled with every bottled-up emotion Matt kept inside for the last 18 years.

“Don’t cry, it’s okay- Matty- please-” Joba whispered.

Matt buried his head into Joba’s shoulder and cried as quietly as he could. The sunset dimmed and dimmed until they were sitting in the dark.  
Joba wrapped his arms around Matt and stroked his back in a loving way.

Once Matt calmed down, Joba wiped Matt’s face with his sweater sleeve and asked,

“How do you know you’re bi?”

Matt took a few deep breaths trying to calm his heart. Matt cleared his throat and, trying not to start crying again, he said,

 

“Because of you.”

“Because of me?”

 

“I’ve known that I wasn’t straight since I was a kid but I ignored it. I couldn’t ignore your confession this morning and my mind contemplated telling you all day. I’m so-”

Joba stared into Matt with empathy.

“I’m so scared.”

Joba tried not to cry.

“I’m scared Joba.”

Joba started crying.

Matt kept talking, “What will my mom-”

“Listen, we’re here now, together. Don’t worry about your mom right now.”

“I’m trying not to but I can’t. I can’t. She’ll- I don’t know.”

They we’re sitting together on Matt’s bed in front of the window. The full moon was shining so bright on the back yard. From Matt’s second story bedroom window, the moonlight hadn’t quite touched their faces yet.  
In complete darkness, Joba slowly grasped the hair on the top of Matt’s head with his left hand and curved around Matt’s waist with his right hand.  
Matt knew what was about to happen, he’d waited for this. Matt thought often about it, picturing how, when, where, and why it would happen. He knew it would.  
Joba on the other hand, had never imagined in his entire life that this would ever actually  
happen, it was such a bittersweet beginning.  
The beginning is exactly what this moment was.  
The beginning is the only way it could be described.

Their lips met in silence right as the moonlight poured over their faces.  
Eyes closed, they continued for a bit before Matt pulled away and pushed his head into Joba’s neck. Matt’s warm, soft breathing was enough to make Joba almost drool.

Matt spoke softly,  
“I’m 17.”

Joba spoke a little less softly over Matt’s head,  
“I wasn’t going to fuck you. I know.”

Matt laughed melancholically,  
“Good.”

Matt’s 18th birthday was around the corner on valentine’s day.  
The moment was sweet even still, Joba’s head was now filled with responsibility.

Joba joked half-heartedly,  
“I’ll tuck you in and then I’ll go home.”

Matt laughed the same way again before pulling away from Joba to look at his face and said okay. Joba got up off the bed, he was super sore from sitting with his legs crossed for so long.  
Joba moved slowly to the light switch next to the door and before he turned it on, Matt shut the curtains. Joba walked over to the bed and sat down on it with his back facing the window, he turned his head to speak to matt,

“Y’know-”

Joba raised his eyebrows and then turned his head to face the room again before dropping it to see his knees.

“You’ll be eighteen soon. It’s not that far in the future.”

Matt was getting under the blankets with this back turned towards Joba.  
Matt spoke quietly,  
“I know.”  
The expression on Matt’s face was neutral before he started blushing, and smiling.

“Kay,” Joba said, squeezing Matt’s leg. “See next Friday.” 

“Goodnight.”  
“Goodnight, Matty.”  
Joba said before contemplating leaning down and planting a kiss on Matt’s head.  
Joba decided it was too soon, so he didn’t.

Joba got up and walked towards the door, he lifted his hand up to the light switch next to the door but turned to get once last glace of Matt before he left.  
Matt looked so small from here.  
Fragile and emotionally drained. Both were, actually.  
Today was the most meaningful, and eventful day either of them had shared in forever.  
Joba turned out the light and when he entered the dark hallway he shut the door behind him.  
Joba walked down the stairs into the empty living room and turned the porch light on before he left to walk home.  
Joba only lived a few blocks from Matt’s house, fortunately.  
Walking back to his apartment, Joba was filled with warmth and new hope.  
Hope, finally.

Joba climbed up the stairs to his apartment in the dark with a fading feeling of happiness.  
Now and again, it seems worse than it is but most of the time it really is that bad for Joba, alone.  
Reaching the top of the stairs, Joba can see his breath in the light that’s shining on him from above.  
He’s shuffling though his pockets trying to find his keys when his phone starts buzzing and then quiets.  
Buzzing.  
Quiet.  
Buzzing.  
Quiet.  
Buzzing.  
Quiet.

When Joba gets inside and turns on the lights, he throws his jacket over a chair before pulling his phone out while walking to his bedroom.

“My mediocrity”  
Joba muttered to himself.

Joba slumps down on the mattress and scrolls through a few texts from Matt that he just got.

Matt: are you home yet?  
8:04 p.m.

Matt: I know that I was being awkward  
8:04 p.m.

Matt: i’m sorry.  
8:05 p.m.

Matt: it’s just nerves ya know? if I seemed like I wasn’t sure,  
I want you to know that I am. I’m sure about us. today was wild.  
8:05 p.m.

Matt: anyways I’ll let you sleep. Goodnight dude.  
8:05 p.m.

Joba sighed at his phone with relief and decided to just text Matt tomorrow morning. It was late and Joba felt the loneliness creeping so he got up to go into the kitchen.  
As Joba was walking to the kitchen to pour a shot of whiskey, he saw that it was snowing outside. In southern Texas.

Joba muttered to himself,  
“I’ll drink to that.”

 

The next morning, he woke up on the bathroom floor  
with the ceiling lights on in every room of his apartment.  
Joba noticed the right side of his hip and his right shoulder were both bruised dark  
because of the dull, aching pain that generated from the bruises when he got up.  
“shit-”  
Joba struggled to get up. When he got up, he turned the lights out in every room.  
He dragged himself up into the kitchen to clean up when he noticed the snow outside.  
Rare, but beautiful, like Matt.  
Joba quickly pushed his blackout out of his mind and remembered Matt.

Oh Matt, baby boy.

Joba smiled, shutting the cupboard above the fridge.  
He joyfully moved his hungover body into his bedroom and picked his phone up off the mattress to text Matt when he saw that there was a few more texts from Matt.  
Joba texted Matt drunk last night apparently, but it was pretty harmless.

Joba: I’m miss u  
9:15 p.m.

Matt: sure  
9:16 p.m.

Matt: don’t leave me on read ugly  
10:00 p.m.

Matt: I’ll come by at lunch. we can talk then  
10:12 p.m.

Joba texted Matt back.

Joba: Hurry I have words to say.  
11:26 a.m.

There was about an hour before Matt’s lunch, so Joba showered and cleaned house a bit.  
After all of that had been done, Joba put on music and added a heart to Matt’s contact name (for kicks).

Before long, Matt was entering Joba’s living room with Styrofoam boxes of Mexican food inside a plastic bag in one hand and his phone and keys in the other hand.  
“I’m home!” Matt said with a grin on his face.

Joba cracked his door open before answering,  
“It’s unlocked!” over his shoulder, and smiling, softly.

Matt entered Joba’s room and sat on the mattress next to him.  
Joba watched Matt unpacking the food and just admired his freckles.  
His hazel-green eyes. His pink lips. His soft skin.

Matt looked up for a second to see Joba’s smile and then spoke, “How you feeling? You look like you’re tired.”

“Tired is one word for it.”

“Here-”  
Matt set Joba’s box in front of him with a plastic fork.

“Thank”

They started eating and when Joba’s mouth wasn’t full he looked at Matt and said,

“My bed was cold without you.”

Matt laughed,  
“It’s hardly a bed bro.”

Then Joba laughed,  
“It still got cold.”

Matt smirked and narrowed his eyes at Joba,  
“I believe you.”

Their tones were loving, and warm.  
Outside the skies were a cold, grey gunmetal. It started sprinkling shortly after Joba spoke again.

Joba then asked matt, “So- what did you want to talk about then?”

“I think you know what.”

Last night? It’s all Joba wanted to talk about.

“Last night?” Joba said.

“Yes last night.” Matt said. It sounded like it should be obvious, which it was.  
“I feel like we’ve been waiting for this forever.”

“I don’t. Only because I had already accepted some time ago that you were straight. I’ve known I was gay since like, 5th grade. I’ve had a crush on you for years, Matty.”

Matt blushed, laughing nervously, he put his left hand behind his head and looked away from Joba. 

“Be right back-” Joba said, getting up to throw away their boxes and wash off the plastic forks in the sink. He came back and leaned on the arch in the doorway. Joba stood and admired Matt a bit more before Matt noticed.

“What?” Matt said.

Joba didn’t look away this time.

“You’re perfect.”

Baby boy.

Matt smiled and rolled his eyes.

“Can you tell me what’s in that locket yet?”  
Joba said, fiddling with one of his sweater strings, while his other hand pointed to the silver chain peeking out from under his sweater.

Matt sighed and said,  
“You’ll find out eventually.”

Joba rolled his eyes and put his hands in his sweater pocket.  
“Fine”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll update every Friday/Saturday. xx


	4. A Scale

Matt was in his last period Friday afternoon, the hour was almost over and it had been a few days since his and Joba’s confessions.  
When the dismissal bell rang Matt got up and walked out the door, down the stairs, through the front office and then to his car in the center of the parking lot.  
As he fumbled for his keys, A kid from his year was jogging across the blacktop with his hands in his pockets.  
He spoke with a deep, but childish voice,

“Matt!-”

Matt looked up tired and less then attentive. He was ready to go now, and see Joba tomorrow. Matt’s internal monologue was running: why is someone talking to me? Why?  
Matt didn’t care, truthfully though, as weird as this moment was.

“Matt, hey- uh”  
The kid laughed nervously before taking his right hand out of his denim jacket to comb his shaggy bangs out of his eyes. Matt noticed he has one dangly earing that was glimmering in the cold light from the winter sun. Matt noticed that the kid was blushing, too.

“I’m Ciarán- I just moved here,”

All Matt’s mind could muster up was: okay…? And…?  
Ciarán was talking increasingly faster as his unprompted, run-on sentence went on and on and it was making the entire conversation very awkward and uncomfortable.  
Besides that, this week was the first week back from their winter break.  
The Sunday night that Joba and Matt kissed was evidently New Year’s Eve. They only realized after the fact, though, and that was kind of funny.

It was the beginning of the second semester so there were a handful of new people at the school that just transferred.  
Matt assumed that Ciarán just transferred here now from the ‘I just moved here’ talk.

“We have Calculus together last hour…?” Ciarán said, hesitantly.

“-Oh! Ciarán! Yeah, yeah- What’s up? Do you need a ride?”

Ciarán laughed nervously, his breath visible,  
“No, no- uh, I was wondering if you uh- were into- dudes?”

That last word rung in Matt’s ear as the interested expression melted off his face into an aggravated frown. Matt knew exactly what this was and he was not having it.  
Matt sighed, looked around the parking lot, behind Ciarán and over his own shoulder before turning to speak again, disgruntled.

“Who’s asking, Ciarán?”  
Matt mocked his name as a sort of way to communicate he was done talking.  
Matt was getting into his car when Ciarán suddenly looked 4 red shades deeper than before.

“Uh- m- me. I’m asking. Me.”

Matt looked surprised before he snapped back into defense mode.  
Matt jumped out of the car and stood behind his open car door with his arms on top of it, like he was using a shield.  
Matt looked around again, briefly before whispering aggressively,

“I know what this is, and it’s not fucking cool.”

Ciarán looked confused and shocked at the same time.

“You come over and try to get me to confess that I’m gay and then that shit gets spread around the class like I’m some fucking freak show. I’ve seen it happen to other people and I’m not fucking down. Lea-”

Ciarán started to realize what Matt was saying, “No, wait!” Ciarán shook his head and backed up a bit, putting the palms of his hands up before speaking, “I’m serious. I’m sorry, I’m not from the US I didn’t know that people would do stuff like that I promise-”

Matt started realizing the situation and how much of a dick he was being.  
Ciarán had a slight accent but Matt had no idea where from and it was very, very subtle.

“Oh- shit I’m sorry-”

Ciarán was so red at this point, it was hard to ignore.

“Uhm- wait then, are you-”

Ciarán laughed nervously again and spoke,

“Y- Yes. I’m- asking you out. Would you go out with me?”

Matt’s mind tossed and turned trying to decide what to say.  
That… will throw a wrench in your plans, won’t it?  
Matt looked at Ciarán, flattered. He could feel his face getting hot.  
What’s the move here?

“Uh- what’s your number? I’ll get back to you on that.” Matt answered.

Ciarán gave Matt his number and said thanks, and then was on his way.  
When Matt got situated in his vehicle, he was perfectly together, every piece was there, and he was perfectly intact.  
Matt took the key and slid it into the slot and after he turned it, he had to let out a scream.  
The world was calm outside the vibrating car. Inside? Different story.  
Matt almost started crying. Life has been getting increasingly complicated by the hour and if it was anyone other than Matt living this life, they might be dead.

Matt spoke to himself aloud after letting out a sigh that turned into another scream and then a faint, pitiful laugh that pushed its way out of a frowned mouth. The small laugh turned into another aching pout.

“What are you doing?”  
Matt’s head was tilted up to see the inside of the roof of his car.

Matt adjusted his rear-view mirror so he could see his own eyes.  
He barred his teeth and comically seethed, softly speaking this time,

“What are you doing Matty…” He stressed the word ‘doing’.  
He sighed and looked down at the radio inside the dash.  
He fiddled with the seek buttons on the old radio before he got the college-run news station.  
Hands 10 and 2, he looked up and saw some girl staring at him in her car.  
Matt got embarrassed and quickly took his car out of park and drove home.

Matt parked his car beside his front yard in the street and got out.  
Walking across the yard he noticed his mom’s car was gone and so was Sarah’s car.  
Matt shook his head, trying to push Ciarán out of it and stepped inside.  
On the table there was a note that read 

‘Hey guy, we drove to Austin to see a concert tonight. We’ll be back on Sunday. xx’

Matt sighed again before walking up the stairs to his room.  
He slumped onto his twin size mattress face-down and screamed into it, dully.

His phone buzzed and he stopped being dramatic to open his phone, he thought it was going to be Ciarán before he realized that he did not give Ciarán his number.  
It was Joba, obviously. The only person he texted.

Joba: Can I come over? I  
wanna be gay with you.  
3:45 p.m.

Matt: first of all that sounds  
really bad out of context but  
you can actually come over  
and be gay for a day or two because  
apparently I’m by myself over here  
until Sunday afternoon  
3:46 p.m.

Joba: I’ll be over in a minute uwu  
3:48 p.m.

Matt: I hate that stop  
3:48 p.m.

Joba: Too bad  
3:48 p.m.

So Joba walked down to Matt’s house with a backpack.  
A few minutes passed and eventually Joba marched into Matt’s room with a smile on his face.  
Matt was sitting on his bed, scrolling through twitter in shorts and a tank top.  
Matt scooted back into the pillows to give Joba room to sit down.  
Joba set his bag next to bed and then got comfortable in front of Matt.  
They were so happy together, even when they were doing nothing.

Joba spoke first, grabbing Matt’s ankles and pulling himself closer.  
“Did you miss me?”

Matt smirked and set his phone down on the nightstand.  
“Guess.”

Joba’s fluffy blonde hair bounced when he moved to whisper to Matt.

“I think that you did-”  
With the abrupt end of that sentence, Joba started tickling Matt.

 

Anyways, time went on, and they moved to sit on the back porch eventually.  
They sat on the back porch for a while, mindlessly chatting and chain smoking cigarettes for a while. When the sun started to go down, Joba wanted to have a better view of it.

“So, um- anyways, can we go watch the sunset somewhere?”

Matt looked at Joba and put out the cigarette,  
“Let’s go sit on the roof.”

They climbed out of Matt’s window, one after another, onto the slanted roof and then from there onto the tallest roof of the house. The gap between the horizon and those old gunmetal clouds that the sun shone through was closing. They didn’t know it yet but it was snowing.  
Once they had gotten seated, Matt unhooked the locket and took it off his neck. He handed it to Joba.

“Will I be upset?”

Matt didn’t move, he was watching the colors bleed together over the sun.  
“No.”

Joba clawed at the silver heart, trying to open it while snowflakes started to land on both of them and the locket.  
Once Joba finally opened the locket, it was a tiny picture of him and Joba that Matt took while Joba was sleeping next to him, Matt was pretending to be sleep with one eye open in the small picture. Joba didn’t know it but their used to be a picture of just Joba in it, alone.

“Oh my fucking god I hate me-”

“It’s funny, right?”

“Wait, so how long have you had a picture of me in here?” Joba said, staring at Matt, who was looking at the sunset.

“Dude I’ve had a crush on you since I was in 7th grade. I bought that so I could put a picture of you in it.”

Joba had butterflies again. It was like falling in love for the second time.

“That is the gayest, corniest, funniest, most lovable, stupid shit I’ve ever seen in my entire goddamn life.”

Matt looked down briefly and then up again before smiling, “I know.”

“Look at me,” Joba said softly.  
Matt turned his head and Joba spoke, “Thank you.”

Matt folded over on the side of his hip and leaned into Joba’s lips as the sun completely ducked behind the mountains, shadowing the entire neighborhood.  
There was a split second before the sun hid away where a single ray of sunshine illuminated almost every single snowflake that wafted like small pieces of paper to the ground. 

When Matt pulled away to take a breath, his breath was visible and it floated away across Joba’s face like smoke.  
Joba leaned back in and Matt let it happen for a while.  
When Joba pulled away first, he spoke before Matt had the opportunity.

“I promise to not start the kisses from now on. I know it puts you on edge.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry… It’s only because I don’t want you to get in trouble, you know that, right?”

“I’m still fucked if anyone finds out. It doesn’t matter who started it but I know what you mean. If being in control gives you piece of mind, I’m okay with that.”

“It’s cold.”

“Let’s go inside, then.” Joba said, jokingly.

Once they got inside, they just undressed almost completely and got into Matt’s tiny bed.  
Joba almost didn’t fit in the bed, which was kind of expected.  
Despite Joba’s size, Matt was usually the big spoon, physically and emotionally.

The next morning they woke up about the same time, Matt sleeping on top of Joba, blankets strewn off the bed, warm light pouring through the large bedroom window.  
Matt lifted his head up off Joba’s chest and only just moved slightly so that his head was in the crook of Joba’s neck. 

“I’m awake you know.”

Matt started to suck on Joba’s neck the moment he said that.

“That was not an invitation for you to give me a hickey.”

Matt stopped,  
“Fine-”

Matt sat up, he was just now realizing how small his body was in comparison to Joba’s.  
Matt was sitting on Joba’s stomach, one leg on each side of Joba’s body.  
He ran both his hands through Joba’s hair and sighed a relieved sigh.

“You have no idea how long I waited to see this picture.”

“I really don’t, considering I accepted that you were straight from the very beginning.”

They moved and got up to go down stairs.  
Walking towards the bedroom door, Matt trailed behind Joba.  
When they got out into the hallway matt slapped Joba’s ass as hard as he possibly could.  
Joba turned around and started walking backwards while Matt laughed quietly,  
“Listen-”

Matt stopped Joba’s speech before it started and walked past him saying, “I’ll make breakfast go get dressed”

Joba spoke, “It’s my turn, and also I really don’t want to get dressed.”

“Okay fine go cook something, but I’m not putting any clothes on.”

While Joba cooked food over the stove, Matt sat on the kitchen island behind him, watching his shirtless back flex in unison with his arms.  
Matt’s legs dangled above the cold linoleum floor when he was sitting on the counter.

“What are we doing today?” Matt said, brightly.

“Eating, first.”

“Very funny.”

When Joba shoveled the food onto the plates and brought them over to the table, Matt didn’t move but his eyes followed Joba’s body.  
Joba walked back over to Matt and picked him up off the counter and held his small body, effortlessly as Matt wrapped his arms around the back of Joba’s neck.

Joba Leaned into Matt’s ear as he carried him to the chair by the kitchen table,  
“Today, we’re gonna dye your hair blue”

Matt mimicked Joba’s movements and leaned into his ear with the same sexual cadence,  
“That was infinitely less dirty than I thought it was going to be.” 

Joba laughed and sat Matt down in the chair by the table. 

Joba looked down at Matt scooting in his chair and said,  
“You better get rid of that boner because there’s not room for it today.”

Matt shushed Joba before cutting into his food.  
“Why blue?” Matt said as Joba scooted in.

“It’s your color.”

“You think?”

“Yes.”

That morning and the rest of the day was the product of the both of them trying to make sense of their new relationship that wasn’t really a relationship.  
Maybe it was more or less the product of wanting to ignore current problems and depressing issues that didn’t exactly have to be dealt with right now.

Later that night Joba stood over Matt in front of the mirror, carefully smothering Matt’s hair with blue dye.  
Matt was on his phone texting Ciarán’s number.  
When Matt got a reply, his phone beeped and Joba minded his business but instead just asked,  
“Who’s that?”

“A- friend from school who gave me their number today. They just moved here and they’re trying to make friends.”  
Not exactly a lie.

“Cool.”

Matt was talking to Ciarán, trying to keep the conversation afloat, when he was prompted with the specific question again from Ciarán.  
Joba was clueless when Matt agreed to go on a date with Ciarán right in front of him.  
Matt felt insanely guilty but he would still feel guilty for not going on a date with Ciarán.  
It was a lose/lose and Matt needed to make some kind of decision.  
He made the wrong one, though.

Matt had the idea in his mind:  
One date.  
One date, and then I’ll be done.  
I’ll say that it’s not the right time and let him down easy, right?  
That’s how I should do it? Right?  
There was no one to ask right now.

Joba finished coloring Matt’s hair.  
“Fin.”

“I- love it.”

Matt clicked his phone off, seeing his saturated hair covered in box dye.

“We still need to wash it out.”

Matt stared at Joba in the mirror.  
The cutest face Matt had ever seen.  
Matt loved Joba’s hair, too.

“I know”  
Matt blushed slightly realizing he was still staring.

They washed Matt’s hair out and dried it shortly after.  
When it was done Joba uncovered Matt’s eyes in front of the mirror,

“You were right, it is my color.” Matt said.

“You look, emo. But cute-”

Matt grabbed Joba’s hand from his side and intertwined their fingers with each other’s.  
They were both blushing now as Matt spoke again.

“You like me emo, then?”

“I like you. I don’t care what color your hair is as long as you’re still you.”

“I don’t- like me.”

“You should.”

“why?” Matt said in protest.

“Because,” Joba answered, “You’re beautiful. The most perfect human being I’ve ever met in my entire life. I’m serious, I’ve never met a more perfect person in the whole 19 years I’ve been alive.”

“Stooppp”  
Joba turned Matt around and bent down a little bit so he could look Matt directly in the eyes.

“Matthew, I love you.”  
Joba hovered close to Matt’s face waiting for Matt to lean in first and eventually, when Matt realized what Joba was waiting for, they did kiss.

“You know, you’re my first kiss?” Matt said, very matter of fact.

“You’re mine.”  
Joba waited for another kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love to hear feedback in the comments. Please leave a comment if you've anything to say, constructive criticism included :) xx


	5. A String

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for coming out. xx

Joba and Matt met regularly almost every day for another month, so now it was February.  
Matt’s birthday was on Valentine’s day.  
Today was February 12th.

“Do you want tea?”

It was snowing lightly outside, chilling the windows of Joba’s apartment. 

Matt replied, “I’m okay. Thanks, though”

Joba moved across the room from the linoleum kitchen floor onto the shag carpet of his small living room where Matt was.  
Joba sat on the sofa next to Matt and pulled his legs up under him on the couch. 

“It’s so pretty when it snows like this.”

Joba nodded at that and sipped his tea.

“Cold but pretty.”

Joba spoke without looking at Matt, “Do you think, maybe, we should talk about your birthday?”

Matt stole the tea out of Joba’s hands and took a sip before handing it back. Matt began to think about what he and Joba had vaguely planned weeks ago, their plan that they would start dating when he turned 18. He started thinking about Ciarán, and how they went on a few more dates than just one. Matt couldn’t bring himself to stop seeing Ciarán, even though the longer he waits to decide who to date, the more precarious the situation gets.  
“What about my birthday.”

“Matt- I like you. A lot. We’ve established this.”

“I know,” Matt sighed, he really needed to stall as long as he could. He knew very well that if he just cleared up everything right now and made the decisions that needed to be made right now, it'd be better but he couldn’t. 

“I just don’t think I’m ready to be with anyone at all. It’s been so long since I’ve been in a relationship. I just don’t think I could- provide for someone else in any sense of the way? I don’t know.” Matt said, dismissing his own argument. 

The root of it was true though. Matt really believed he had commitment problems. That was probably why he couldn’t bear to be with just one person at a time. It was sad, really.

Joba countered, “I know it’s pretty clear that you’re the dominant one between both of us but if that’s what you’re scared of, I can take care of you more. I can handle that. I promise. I can do anything if it’s for you, I hope you know that.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

Matt spoke again, “I feel bad because I still feel like it just wouldn’t work as much as I want it to. I care about you Joba, it’s hard to say no. I think I’m just hesitant to make anything official because if this has one beginning, it has to have one ending. Does that make sense? I’m not saying that I think this will all come crashing down but everything ends, dude.”

More lies.  
Small, white ones- but the storm would come soon enough at this rate.

Joba sighed and slowly turned his back to the armrest of the couch to lie on it. He looked at this ceiling, tea in hand and said, with patience, “What will it take for you to see that commitment is not jail time,”  
Joba then looked at Matt sympathetically, “I’m not going to keep you from doing anything or seeing your friends or family. This is a joined relationship, I’m not your boss.”

“That is exactly my issue.” Matt looked at Joba with frustration and another emotion that was like the grief on his face the night he came out. As Matt spoke, more and more truth actually came out of his mouth. Things Matt didn’t know he wanted were increasingly more realized with every sentence. 

Matt continued, “I need you to take control. It’s what I want. I want someone who will tell me what to do most of the time.”

“Why would you want that?”

“Because- it’s hard to explain. I think that I’m just always in charge and I’m sick of it. I want to be told what to do now and then, you know? I need a boyfriend that can take care of me, not a boyfriend I have to take care of. I mean that in the nicest way, Russel.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“I want you to know I’m serious.”

"Okay. Just, don't. Please."

"I won't. sorry." Matt flashed a smile at Joba.

“C’mere-” They nestled closer together and Joba wrapped an arm around Matt.  
Joba rested his chin on Matt’s head and spoke, “You’re just afraid of commitment, and we can fix that.”

Matt sounded like he was crying but if Joba saw him crying he’d break down too, so he didn’t look when Matt spoke,  
“How am I supposed to fix myself?”

“I don't know yet.” Joba wrapped both arms around Matt.

“I’m afraid of everything. It’s not just commitment. How am I supposed to tell my mom I’m not straight? She could never love a gay son. Never fucking ever. That's all she sees it as. It doesn't make a difference whether I'm bi or gay. It's all the same to her.”

“You don’t know that, matt.” Joba’s voice remained relatively calm.

“I do. She told me when I was a kid that she wouldn’t have me if I was anything but straight. And she does this thing- where we can just be stalled at a stoplight, and if a guy crosses the street she’ll comment under her breath and say something like ‘look at him he’s probably fucking gay’. It gets old. I’ve known her my whole life, it wouldn’t matter that I’m her son. I’m not gay but it’s a close second and it wouldn’t matter to her and that scares me to death.”

Joba tried to calm Matt and make him quit crying.  
It was not working and Joba was crying too, silently stuttering through his shushes as he held Matt on the sofa.

“What do I do? What do I do Joba?”  
The white snow made the second-floor apartment living room so bright.  
Joba kissed Matt’s head softly before speaking through red eyes and sniffles,  
“You don’t have to tell her if you’re not ready. I get that. I still haven’t told my parents and it’s easy because I don’t live with them anymore. If you really want to avoid her you can move in with me this summer.”

“Too far, Joba.”

“You need to have an excuse.”

Matt started crying again, “I have too many excuses! When I tell her I’m bi she’ll just kick me out and I’ll have to come running to your apartment with my tail between my legs!”

“There’s no shame in finding love and living in it, Matty.”  
With that, Joba stopped crying and Matt snuggled into Joba’s shirt. It smelled like mint.

Matt got quieter and then looked up at Joba. Matt thought of everything between them that’s ever happened.  
The thought of Joba sheltering him overwhelmed him.

Matt leaned up and kissed him, keeping Joba locked in the kiss for a long time.  
Matt had both of his hands on either side of Joba’s face before he decided to wrap his arms around him and get on top of Joba.

When they finally pulled away, Joba had to speak, “If you really want me to take charge I have to be on top when we’re doing this.”  
Matt laughed and buried his head in Joba’s chest.  
After some uncomfortable movements, Joba was on top of Matt. They had never actually sat like this at all. Matt was always in control and Matt was always the initiator.  
Joba spoke soft into Matt’s ear, “I like this.”

 

They slept in the same bed with Joba as the big spoon this time that night, and it felt righter than Joba thought it would.  
Matt lay awake in the dark under Joba’s arm, mind racing.  
Matt had a lot of nightmares lately, his awake-ness was due to fear of a nightmare and the increasing complications of his relationships with Ciarán and Joba (and his mom in general, just looming).

Joba was oblivious to the fact, but Matt had replaced his picture in the locket with Ciarán.  
It wasn’t planned or done with malicious intent but it was done. Matt hated that he was like this, the opposite of loyal, always changing his mind at the drop of a hat.  
He had already told Ciarán that he was in the locket and now Ciarán has one around his neck with Matt in it. This whole situation was so messy and went so deep that Matt felt like he couldn’t climb out of it.

Ciarán quite frankly was obsessed with Matt and it showed. Matt had a rough time trying to keep him quiet about their relationship. Because of his mom and because of Joba.  
Matt liked Ciarán enough but he was pretty sure he liked Joba a lot more.

 

In the morning, the day before Matt’s birthday, they planned for Matt to come out to his mom that night. Sitting together on Joba’s mattress, they conversed.  
For one of the first times ever, Joba was helping Matt. Their relationship was built on Matt giving all his time to Joba’s needs and wants and for once, Joba was giving back.  
Tomorrow was a day about Matty. Today is Matty’s day, Joba thought.

“Maybe we shouldn’t do it together?”

“Why not?” Joba said, “Explain.”

Matt started, “Well, the way she is, if it was a ‘I’m in love with my childhood friend, we’re running away together’ type thing, she might try and keep us apart and call the cops or something. I don’t want her to know where I’m going or who I’m with. Especially since we’re together.”

“Hold on- hold on- we’re together? You’re in love with me?”

“Joba focus-”

“Okay sorry” Joba laughed blushing, “You’re right. I’ll wait in your car, out in the street while you talk then?”

“I hate to have a confrontation like this alone but yeah, that seems like the solution.” Matt sighed, “This is so bleak.”

“We’ll only know how she’ll react when it happens.” Joba put his hand on top of Matt’s.

“I know.” 

 

For the remainder of the day, they put their plan behind them.  
They spent the day watching movies, talking nonsense, tweeting, you name it.  
They were just trying to make the day good.

They drove around trying to find a spot to park so they could watch the sunset.  
There was this cemetery on top of a hill where they could be alone to talk so they parked.  
A light fog chaperoned the snow around their car as the sun went down. They couldn’t see the sun but the colors filtered through the fog, even still.  
Joba kept the car running in the driver’s seat.

Matt pulled his feet up onto the seat and looked out the passenger’s window,  
“You know I do love you.”

“You don’t show it all the time, Matt.”

“What do you mean?” Matt turned his head to look at Joba.

“Do you have commitment issues or do you just not like me?”

“I just said I love you”  
Joba stared at Matt but he couldn’t look Matt in the eyes and say that he believed Matt didn’t mean that.  
Joba looked away briefly before returning his eyes to Matt’s.

“I love you.” Matt said, full of conviction, “I love you so much and I will never stop.”

At moments like these, alone with Joba, Matt couldn’t even think of Ciarán. 

Joba looked at Matt in the orange snow light, “I believe you-” Joba swallowed a cry, “I love you too.”

The car was silent and Matt began to consider if he really wanted to be with Ciarán if he had this waiting for him tomorrow. He started feeling the guilt immediately.  
Matt abruptly got out of the car and walked through the fog and sat on a bench at the edge of the hill. He sat with his head in his hands, frustrated with his own actions. Matt couldn’t look at Joba right now, he’d confess.  
Matt lit a cigarette and took a drag before resting his head on his knees again.  
He heard a car door close and then he felt that Joba had found his bench.  
Joba leaned into Matt’s space and placed a hand on his back.

“What’s wrong?”

Matt couldn’t tell him. He spoke anyway, even though it wasn’t entirely honest.  
Matt lifted his head out of his palms and without looking at Joba, he spoke,  
“I feel like- I’m hanging by a string. Like there’s too much going on and if anything else happened I would just snap off the string and into the abyss.”

Joba interpreted this as his worry over coming out to his mom when it was actually worry produced from juggling two boys at once.

“I know how you feel. Not exactly, obviously because everyone is different but I know how you feel. You don’t have to tell her. You could just move out.”

Matt looked at Joba, “I’d never see her again. She needs to know before I leave forever. It’s what’s right.” Matt took a drag off the cigarette.

Joba nodded.

“Can I see the locket?”

Matt’s heart started racing. 

“No- I mean- I don’t have it with me.”

“You always have it with you, I thought?”

Matt’s brain scrambled for an reason, “I forgot to put it on this morning.”

Joba relaxed, “Oh, okay.”

Matt sighed in relief inside his mind.  
He really needed to settle all of this.  
The sun went down and the fog cleared shortly after.  
Joba sighed and looked at Matt, “We should stay up tonight and drink or something. Y’know to celebrate.”

Matt smiled at Joba, “Good idea.”

“It’s all I’m good for.” Joba smiled.

“I just realized that you can’t just wait with your car because I need to take mine somewhere.”

“Wait- why not at my apartment?”

“Because if I start parking it there she’ll know where I’m living.”

“Very true. I’ll drop you off and come back then?”

Matt sighed and then paused for a long time.  
“Yeah.”

The drive back to the apartment was warm but anxious, like a tea kettle, whistling when they put the car in park.  
Matt ran inside and grabbed his keys before coming back.

They drove to Matt’s House silently and noticed his sister’s car was gone. Great.  
“See you in an hour or two probably.”

Joba leaned across the console and rested a hand on Matt’s left shoulder.  
With a kiss on the cheek, Joba spoke, “Text me. I love you.”  
Ciarán could never support Matt like this but he didn’t want to accept that.

“I love you too.”

Matt jumped out of the car, full of adrenaline, and walked across the lawn.  
When he got to the door and opened it, he heard Joba’s car turn around and drive off.

The house was lit and the TV was on in the living room. His mom was making dinner in the kitchen.  
Matt treads across the floor onto the linoleum and sat down in a stool behind the kitchen island,  
setting his backpack down beside him.

“Oh! Matt, you scared me. You finally home?” His mom said over her shoulder,  
not even commenting on his fading blue hair that she hated the day he came home with it.  
The first time she saw it, she just had to tell Matt it was a bad idea.  
Eventually, she stopped talking about it.

“Yeah.”

Matt’s heart was thumping.

“Where’ve you been?”

Matt didn’t want to say Joba’s house, because if he brought up Joba it’d be fresh in her mind and she’d figure it out.

“At the library. Lately, at least. Finals are coming up.”

“yup.” She said, over the sizzling stove, spatula in hand.

“Mom, can I tell you something?”

“Depends, what is it?”

“Do you know what bisexual means?”

She stopped shimming the pan and set her spatula down beside the stove.  
She silently tipped her nose into the air before speaking, “Yes, why?”  
She was looking at Matt’s face reflected in the window above the stove, ready to observe his expression when he said what she predicted he was about to say.

Matt looked at her, head ducked in front of his collarbones, afraid but also loaded with anger that was sitting in his stomach, ready to come out like lava.

“I’m bisexual.”

She aimed her head down at the food and turned off the stove.  
She grabbed the handle of the pan and Matt watched her carry the fish over to the trash can and just dump it in.

She turned around slowly and with accusation,  
“How many times have I told you that I will not accept that.”  
She bent over the other side of the counter and looked him straight in the eyes, fingers weaved together in front of her.

“I don’t care if you can’t except that. I’m old enough to leave.”

“Not can’t. Won’t. Old enough this, old enough that,” She stood upright, laughed, and put her hands in her pockets, and with fake sympathy, she leaned into Matt’s field of vision, “I love you, Matty, I do.” She took her hands out of her pockets, “but there are ways you can change! You don’t have to stay this way!” She half smiled,  
reaching for Matt's shoulders.

Matt scooted out from under the kitchen island and with anger, picked up his backpack before leaning into her field of vision and whispering, “I’m never changing who I am or how I am. Ever.” And leaned out before walking upstairs to his bedroom. He locked the door and began packing everything into two backpacks.

Unbeknownst to Matt, the fake smile got wiped off her face and she stormed up the stairs slowly.

As Matt started to gather his laptop and guitar case, she started jiggling the door handle and then began to bang on the door, “If you’re so old go ahead and leave! See how long you can make it without me. I’ll be here waiting for your sorry ass! And don’t come back if you’re still gay!”

Matt rolled his eyes and shouted from the other side of the locked room without looking at the door, “I’m not gay!”

He then started taking clothes out of his closet, “Which is it, mom? Come back or no?”

She started yelling again, “and you can go find your own damn dinner if you want to leave so bad Mr. grown up!”

With that last shout, Matt burst out his door, past his mom, and down the stairs.  
She followed close behind, still shouting, “You watch! You’ll come crawling back and when you do I won’t even open the fuckin door!”

Matt stopped at the bottom of the stairs and turned around to face her, “I’ll do fucking fine without you!”

She laughed again. Every time she laughed, she made Matt a little angrier.  
Matt moved through the house to the front door and set down one bag so he could open the door with his free hand but before he could open it, his mom jumped in front of the handle.

“Where are you gonna go?!?”

“Far away from you. Move.”

“No!”

With that word, Matt dropped his other bag and guitar case and walked into the kitchen.

“Where do you think you’re going?” His mom shouted from the living room.

Matt returned to the living room with the frying pan from earlier.

“You wouldn’t”

Matt held the pan to the window that was built over the porch.

“Fine.” His mom said, “Go. Don’t come back. See if I care.”  
She moved away from the door.

Matt mouthed the words thank you, dropped the frying pan on the floor and turned to her again and said,  
"I could've just left out the back but thanks for cooperating, bitch."  
He marched out the front door after picking up his bags.

When he got to his car, he started putting stuff in the backseat, he didn't look back.  
When Matt got in the driver’s seat, His mom turned the porch light off and closed the curtains.  
Matt started his car and began to cry, resting his forehead on the steering wheel.  
He put the car in drive and rode off in the direction of the cemetery from earlier, still crying.

When he got parked on the hill, he got out and sat next to his car in the dirt. 

“fuck”

He whispered to himself. He sat in silence for a good 5 minutes before getting back in the car.  
When he got back in the car, he turned the ceiling light on and popped the visor down.  
He looked in the mirror and whispered to himself again, “Figure it out shit head.”  
He texted Joba, 

Matt: omw  
7:56 p.m.

He slammed the visor closed, turned the light off, and drove back to Joba’s parking lot.


	6. A Millstone

Joba got Matt's text. He didn’t reply, he just waited.  
Joba waited outside his apartment on the steps, smoking a cigarette.  
It was so cold outside.

Cars drove through the puddles down the street occasionally. Just as often as the American flag, stationed at the McDonalds across the street from the parking lot, flapped, loudly.

It felt like one of the loneliest nights in history, waiting for Matt outside his apartment. Joba was already a bit drunk but what made him an alcoholic was his ability to function while intoxicated.  
The melted snow in the streets warned Joba when a car was pulling into the parking lot even before he saw the headlights so every time he heard the puddle before the speedbump splash he turned and looked over his shoulder.

It was a late Saturday night.  
The old orange streetlights always flickered but Joba was noticing how they stayed on tonight, guiding Matt home.

Joba waited and waited and waited and waited and waited.  
Finally, he stopped looking over his shoulder every time he heard a car.  
Eventually though, he spotted Matt coming up the sidewalk from around the side of the apartment building.

Joba put out his last cigarette and bolted down the stairs to go meet Matt.  
Matt was wearing his frown like a corsage, hands in jacket pockets, dressed in black, he didn’t even look up at Joba when he heard Joba call his name. Matt was still letting tears roll out of his eyes, freely, and silently.

“Matt…!”  
Joba stopped Matt in front of the stairs and wrapped him in the biggest hug he could’ve asked for.  
Matt slowly pulled his hands out of his pockets, sweater sleeves covering his knuckles, wrapped his arms around the middle of Joba’s back. He buried his head in Joba’s chest. Joba couldn’t help but notice just how hard Matt was squeezing him.

Matt started shuddering with his sobs and saying something but Joba couldn’t hear him until he pulled away to wipe the tears off his face with his own sleeve.  
Matt was saying “I love you” over and over and over again.

Joba softly and slowly roped Matt into another tight hug, kissing his forehead and rubbing his back.

“Let’s go inside, Matt.”

Matt nodded.

As Joba led Matt up the stairs Matt held his hand like a child holding their father’s hand crossing the street. Looking both ways. Knowing Joba would get Matt safely to the destination. 

Matt could smell the alcohol on Joba’s breath but he tried to not let it get him down. Joba did care. He knew that. He didn’t want to know why Joba had drunk before this so he didn’t ask about it or bring it up. 

Frankly, Joba could infer that things went just as bad as it seemed they did, so he felt it unnecessary to ask about what happened.

So they silently dragged, step by step through the dark living room and into Joba’s bedroom.  
Matt undressed Joba and then proceeded to help him lay down on the mattress and tuck him in.  
Matt then slowly moved in the dark, undressing, putting on one of Joba’s huge shirts and then got into bed next to Joba.

Right before he turned out the lamp on the floor, he ripped the locket off his neck and tossed it through the open door into the hallway.

 

That next morning Matt woke up first. The most golden sunshine bled through Joba’s new beige curtains. Matt got up carefully and walked over into the hallway, barely clothed, and picked up the locket. He looked at it momentarily before trying to fix it and then just setting on the counter by the fridge.

He turned when he heard Joba in the doorway of their bedroom.  
When Joba saw Matt blush, he smirked and said,  
“18.”

Matt sighed in relief and said, “18.”

Matt walked across the threshold into the kitchen and started unwrapping some bagels.  
Without looking at Joba he said, “Can I even officially live here yet?”

“I’m waiting on the landlord to give me a new lease agreement to sign.”

“Cool.” Matt said, reverently.

Joba walked up behind Matt and lovingly wrapped his hands around Matt’s hips, feeling the edges of his bones and the beautiful shape they created. Matt pushed Joba out of his space, instantly feeling guilty about Ciarán. Matt just remembered how two nights ago, Ciarán suggested that he and Matt do something on Matt’s birthday.  
Matt couldn’t make up a viable excuse so he just agreed. Matt was remembering that right now, wondering how he was going to do that today. Wondering if he should or if he should stand Ciarán up.

Joba leaned on the counter beside Matt, frustrated with his arms crossed now, “What are you waiting for?”

Matt didn’t stop making his bagels, “What do you mean?”

“I just wanna-”

Matt turned and look at Joba while Joba spoke now, “Love you. I just wanna love you.”

Matt felt the guilt. He felt the pain. He felt the wrong he was doing and Joba had no idea.  
Matt bit his lip, trying not to spill the word about his other boyfriend.

Joba kept on, “We’re together, right? Matt, I just wanna hold you. All I want is you. You’re all I have and I wish you could see that. I don’t have a family and I don’t even have a job. In case you haven’t noticed-” Joba raised his voice. 

“I’m living on disability. I’m very, very broke. You are everything to me. I know something is going on but I haven’t said anything. I just-” Joba sighed.

“I’m here. Just- tell me. Don’t lie. I’d never lie to you.” And with that, Joba was in the bedroom again.

Matt sat there in the kitchen, staring at the floor. Honestly wondering if Joba knew about Ciarán. This was the moment Matt decided he couldn’t keep being together with both of them.  
He wanted Joba.  
Joba is who he wanted.  
He had to break up with Ciarán TODAY.

The toaster popped the bagels up and Matt put them on a plate. Matt stared at the food like he stared at the floor. No appetite.  
Matt threw away the food and got dressed.  
While Matt was getting dressed, he spoke to Joba, who was sitting on the mattress, scrolling through his phone.

“I’ll tell you later today what’s up. I promise.” Matt said this without looking at Joba.  
Joba said nothing.  
Matt sat next to Joba before taking his phone out of his hands.  
Matt held Joba’s hands and spoke, “I’ll be back in an hour. I have to go grab some stuff from my house.” Matt leaned into Joba’s warmth and kissed him on the lips. “We’ll do something tonight. Be sober when I’m back.”

Joba suddenly felt like shit, knowing that Matt knew he wasn’t sober last night. Joba kissed Matt this time, to say thank you. Thank you for bearing with me, Joba thought.

Matt turned away from Joba’s sympathetic eyes and set out for his car in the parking lot, but before he got to the door, he grabbed the locket from the counter and shoved it in his pocket. The guilt never ended. It was like an ocean that Matt was drowning in. He felt like if he ever reached the shore, he’d still smell like saltwater. Like he’d never be able to scrub it out of his skin. 

When Matt started the car, he sat there for a minute letting it warm up.  
He pulled out his phone and there were a few missed calls and a single text. Both from his mom.  
The text said “Come home. Let’s talk.” And she sent it at 1 a.m.  
Matt felt an overwhelming sense of dread pour over his already flowing layer of guilt.  
Evil butterflies in his stomach.

Matt shook it off momentarily to clear his head before reversing and then driving out of the parking lot.  
He didn’t really know where he was going but he needed to be somewhere that he could talk to Ciarán on the phone in peace.  
Matt decided to park at the cemetery. During the early morning with the sun shining like this, he could see the entire town. It was disgusting. Terrible, horrible, ugly old town that Matt didn’t want to live in anymore. Life was gnawing at his soul lately.

Matt dialed Ciarán’s number and it didn’t even ring one full ring before Ciarán picked up.

“Hey!” Ciarán sounded bright like usual.

Matt did not. “Hi.”

“Are we still… doing something today?”

“Uh- er- um- yeah I guess.” ‘Matt, what the fuck is wrong with you?’ He thought.

“Cool. Are you coming over then?”

“Uh- yeah.” Matt sighed, internally. Maybe it was better to do this in person.  
“be there in a minute.”

Matt hung up while Ciarán was about to say something but he just shrugged it off and set his phone in the console.  
Matt drove a few minutes before he was on Ciarán’s block. As he approached Ciarán’s house, he noticed that the only car that was parked in the street was not either one of his parent’s vehicles but he didn’t think much of it. Maybe Ciarán was just going to mention that someone was here?  
Matt was pretty debilitated from yesterday. It’s been rough. Consequently, he didn’t care.  
He parked behind the other car and got out. Matt walked around and across the lawn to the front door of the one-story house.  
He lifted his arm to knock on the door and suddenly Ciarán opened the door just as far as the chain lock would let it go.

“Give me a minute,” Ciarán said closing the door. He Ciarán talking to someone- more like arguing with some for a long time before he heard the back-door slam shut. The front door opened and Ciarán was red. Ciarán was trying to get Matt to come in while Matt tried to explain that just wanted to talk on the porch. 

“Please just come in- Matt-”

Suddenly someone was shutting a car door and Matt briefly looked over his shoulder before realizing it was the car he parked behind. It looked like Ian Simpson was driving- trying to smoothly drive away from both of them when he reversed into Matt’s car.

“- whoa what the FUCK” Matt ran over to his car as Ian got out and started apologizing.  
Not a single scratch on Ian’s car but Matt’s bumper was barely hanging on.  
Frustrated at Ciarán and frustrated at Ian, Matt ignored the explanation Ian was giving and walked over to his bumper.

“Oh my god, I’m SO sorry-”

Matt knelt down for a minute before nodding and standing up. 

Matt backed up and then kicked his bumper as hard as he could possibly muster up.  
He hurt his toe really bad when he did this and the bumper came off his car completely.  
Ian stopped apologizing and Ciarán ran over and they both kind of asked Matt if he was okay.

Matt exploded with the anger from everything that’s happened in the past 3 months and started yelling, 

“No- you know what, get the fuck away from me man!” His voice cracked on the curse.  
He pushed Ian and then turned to Ciarán who was trying to calm him down. 

“Matt chill out-” Matt suddenly started trying to piece together what the one gay kid from their grade was doing at Ciarán’s house and then assumed that Ciarán was cheating.

“No! Are y’all fucking? Is that what’s going on?” Matt looked from person to person in silence, angry as hell.

“Right, okay, that’s what I thought.” Matt reached into his pocket as he walked toward the back of his own car before he stopped in his tracks.

“I guess it’s fine cause I cheated on you too,”  
Ciarán went from concerned to confused in an instant, you could see it on his face.

“Here-” Matt pulled the locket out of his jeans and threw it at Ciarán’s chest. “Take your fucking necklace.” Ciarán caught it and was looking at the closed heart in his hands.

Matt spit on the ground and flipped off Ciarán as he got in the car. Matt started the car and Ciarán walked up to the window. Matt was aware that Joba’s picture was under Ciarán’s and he was aware of the sentiment the necklace had but he couldn’t hold onto it anymore. Matt felt like he was shorting out.  
Matt rolled the window down less than halfway and Ciarán said one thing.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Matt, trying not to cry in front of Ciarán and Ian, reversed and then sped off in the direction of Joba’s apartment.

As he drove away from the scene of the crime he started to cry more than he ever had before.  
Eventually, he pulled over to the side of the road and picked up his phone to call Joba.  
Matt saw that there was now a second message from his mom that was sent about 10 minutes ago.

Mom: Matt, I know that I’ve  
always said that I wouldn’t  
support my child if they were  
gay but I thought it over last  
night. It was not fair of me to  
tell you to leave and it was not  
fair of me to tell you I would  
not support you. I’m sorry  
sweetie. Come home. I promise  
that I’ll always support you no  
matter what. I didn’t mean  
anything I said. I promise.  
10:23 a.m.

Matt shed a few more tears and just drove back to the apartment parking lot.  
When he got out, he looked up and saw Joba watching him from the bedroom window.  
Joba suddenly got a furrowed brow and pointed at Matt’s car.  
Matt held up 1 finger as if to tell Joba ‘one second’ before he ran up the stairs.

Matt got into the apartment and marched over to the bedroom.  
Joba was reading something on his phone and Matt sat next to him.

“My mom apologized.” Matt said.

“She did?” Joba set the phone down.

Matt nodded and Joba noticed the extra tears.  
“Someone hit my car.” A lie.

“You’re okay though, thank god.” Joba said and then Matt said nothing. 

“Are you okay baby boy?” Joba let those two words slip out by accident.  
He called Matt that all the time in his head but he never usually said it out loud.

Matt’s head shot up at Joba and the tears got wiped away by Joba’s sleeve. He was dressed now.

“I love when you call me that.”

Joba laughed and said, “Do you?”  
He leaned in and kissed Matt. Joba started to lay Matt down before getting on top of him.  
Joba reached over and moved the curtains so that the room became darker but also so that no one could see it. 

Matt looked up at Joba with a hand on Joba’s thigh, “Should we fuck?”  
“I’m a virgin but yeah.”

Matt spoke, “I am too.”

There was silence before they both started laughing.  
Matt looked up at Joba with a smile and said “No, really,”  
Matt grabbed Joba’s shirt and tugged on it, “I really am a virgin but I think we should.”

Joba grabbed Matt’s hand, “One day. We can do something tonight but we might not go that far.”

Matt rolled his eyes playfully and then agreed.  
Joba got off of Matt and they sat and cuddled for a bit in silence before Matt looked to Joba and said: “If I confess something can you promise you won’t get mad?”

“I can’t promise anything. You know that.”

Matt sighed, “Okay.”

There was silence and then Joba spoke again, “Your heart is beating really fast.”

“It does that when I’m afraid.”

Joba sighed as if to apologize. “Tell me. I won’t be mad.”

“I-” Joba waited. And waited. And waited.  
Like he was waiting for Matt to come home again.  
The world made its noises and Joba waited. 

“I- had been dating this guy from my year since New Years.”

Joba said nothing.

“And- and I broke up with him today.”

Joba spoke slowly, “Why didn’t you tell me sooner.”

“Be- because I didn’t- I don’t know.”

Joba just sighed, “Well we weren’t really dating until today so I’ll give you that.”

He continued, “Matt what’s your motive with me? You can’t do stuff like that. I need to be able to trust you kid.”

Matt played with Joba’s hair, “I’ll never lie to you again I swear.”

“I know when you lie Matt. I know every time. I’m gonna start calling you out every time it happens.”

Matt started kissing Joba’s neck.

“I still love you, though.” Joba let him try and steer the conversation away from that.

Their bodies moved in the dark for the next few hours, colliding and dancing, kissing, touching, being warm together. Bringing life to each other. The sun went down and the moon came up.  
They opened the curtains eventually after they’d properly gotten drunk and let the moonlight pour into their dark bedroom. They ended up taking each other’s clothes off then and there in the darkness. They collided harder, they danced harder, they kissed harder and eventually they touched harder until they were on top of each other, becoming the warmth itself.  
Together that night was like fireworks. Like the grand finale to a long, glittering, gold melancholy fuse. Going off like a fire alarm. 

They might have been drunk but they still remembered having sex that night.  
That next morning, they woke up in Joba’s office room where his piano and other instruments were. They had been awake just one after another at about noon, practically naked, on the floor. Four or five empty bottles around them. They didn’t get that drunk but they got drunk enough.

“Joba?” Matt said looking at the ceiling from the floor.

“Yeah?”

“Do you remember last night?”

“You don’t?”

“I do- I’m… just asking if you do.”

“I do.” Joba smiled and turned to kiss Matt’s forehead.

They didn’t really regret it. It was more of a deep cut feeling of astonishment.  
Their hearts both felt equally as connected to each other's. They both completed each other now. Right at this moment, at least.

February 14th was Matt’s birthday, their official anniversary, and Valentine’s day.  
February 14th was a millstone.


	7. A Cold Sweat

Joba and Matt had now been living together, officially, in the apartment for a while.  
A month had passed since Matt’s birthday and today was their one month anniversary.  
Few things had transpired in that one month, but some important things did.  
Matt and his mom made up and they minimally keep in touch.  
Matt had gotten a few letters back from colleges he had applied to.  
Joba and Matt had also made each other less and less of virgins in that one month.

Most importantly, they’d both grown up a significant amount.  
Living alone, caring for themselves, loving each other through thick and thin as if they’d pronounced some unspoken vows.

On the morning of March 14th, Joba watched Matt brushing his teeth in this small blue mirror Matt brought with him from home.  
Joba watched Matt get ready for school every morning.  
Matt’s face glowed like a filament when he was happy, which was rarely. Joba still remembers the way Matt’s eyes wrinkle when he smiles. Matt isn’t usually very happy but he does crack a smile every time he greets Joba after school- which is a good indication that Joba never ceases to make Matt at least a little happy.  
Joba hadn’t often reflected on his situation and how lucky he was to have Matt.  
It was true though, Joba felt very lucky to have a close friend and a lover in one person.

“I love you.”

Soft acoustic piano music came out of the sound system next to Joba’s Mattress, which was now in the center of the room rather than in the corner. Matt’s hair was nearly as blue as it was a month ago but you could tell it wasn’t brown.  
Matt looked back at Joba whose statement left a certain resonance in Matt.  
Matt smiled at Joba with a mouth full of toothpaste.

“You’re so gross.”

Matt turned around to spit in the sink right before responding, “Don’t make me laugh, stop!”  
Matt swished around some water in his mouth before spitting in the sink and walking over to Joba, on the bed.

“Let me give you a kiss before I leave” Matt threw his backpack over one shoulder and then leant down to place a kiss on Joba’s forehead.  
Before Matt could complete the task, Joba wrapped Matt into a Kiss on the lips.  
Matt pulled away, exclaiming, “Joba- I-” another kiss.  
“Have to- Go-” Matt spoke through the kisses with very little air.

Joba stared into Matt’s eyes very lovingly while he spoke, “I’m sorry-” He let off a light laugh before looking away and continuing, “I just like how your mouth tastes after you brush your teeth. No ashtray.”

Matt laughed and sarcastically rolled his eyes, “Very funny.”  
He continued, “I’ll see you after school. I’ve gotta’ go take stuff to the laundromat at lunch.”

Joba sighed, “Okay… Love you.”

“I love you too.”

And with that Matt was out the door and down the steps to his car.

Joba sighed and watched Matt blow a raspberry from his car before turning onto the road and driving away.  
Joba sighed again but this time with butterflies in his stomach.

Spring break was next week and Matt and Joba had planned to take a road trip to New Mexico. They hadn’t really worked out where in New Mexico yet but they had decided to go there regardless. Today was a Thursday which in Joba’s world was just another day job hunting or day drinking.

Obviously, Joba doesn’t want to go out today.  
He grabs for the bottle of whiskey above the fridge and finds it’s empty.  
Insert sigh and the pulling out of his cell phone.  
Joba calls sarah and asks if she’ll get some more.  
Sarah says she’s having a party tonight.  
Joba says perfect.  
Click.  
End of call.

Joba decides to go out and look for jobs seeing as how drinking is not on the menu today.  
So, Joba gets dressed and snatches his keys off the table before he jogs down the stairs and over to his car.

He drives to a few strip malls before finding one with a target that’s hiring.  
Basically he gives a resume and left with the promise of a call.  
Score. 

Maybe.

When Joba gets home there’s still an hour or two and he spends it asleep.  
It's been a depressing, shallow month and Joba’s been worried that Matt isn’t interested in him anymore. Matt’s little loyalty slip up accelerated that feeling, too. Joba stopped seeing his therapist a long time ago and stopping taking his meds a long time ago. He never really saw the issue until lately. At least, he thought that was the problem lately after he considered everything that’s been happening. 

Matt is good for him.  
The drinking is not.  
Sulking is not.  
Smoking is not.  
Jerking off is not.  
Unemployment is not.

Matt seems like the light at the end of the tunnel but for some reason, Joba still isn’t at the end of the tunnel. Does Joba carry a torch through the tunnel? He’s not sure he’ll ever be sure.

Joba wakes up to a small hand on his leg. There’s a small boy attached to the small hand, sitting at the end of the bed, staring at the floor.

“I’ve still got half an hour of my lunch left”

Joba starts to cry, quietly.

Matt sees Joba cry and his eyes well up.

Neither of them know why they’re crying but at the same time it’s so obvious.

Matt says sorry and climbs into Joba’s arms in the bed.  
The scene is lit by the midday, Texas sun filtering through their sheer curtains onto them.  
It's serene.

Joba speaks, “I forgive you cutie”

Matt had his eyes closed while Joba observed another tear- two more tears stream onto the pillow from Matt’s eyes.  
Matt inched forward and planted a single kiss below Joba’s ear.  
As he did this, he could feel Joba grip the back of his jacket.  
Joba smelled like sandalwood and cinnamon. Matt loved it.

Matt spoke sweetly, his deep voice cracking, “I’ve gotta get back to school soon.”  
Joba breathed warmly into Matt’s ear with a certain softness he didn’t usually have.  
“I know. Please just- stay for a few more minutes.”  
“I will”

Their chests were pressed together and Matt could feel Joba holding him so tightly, so lovingly. He could feel the tears from Joba’s eyes wet his neck.

10 minutes passed and Matt got out of bed, away from Joba’s sleeping Body and went back to school.

A few hours pass before Joba is awake again, this time because of the sound of Matt’s car in the parking lot. Joba sits up and realizes he never took off his ‘interview’ clothes before taking his nap.  
Joba switches out his nice pants and shirt with a pair of shorts and a t-shirt before Matt walks through the door with some groceries. Joba walks out into the living room of the apartment as Matt is putting away the food.  
Joba thinks about the switch from unemployment money to minimum wage as he stares at the groceries, he thinks about how badly that’ll affect them. 

“I talked to target today. They might hire me.”

Matt turned to look over his shoulder, smiling, “Hire you or call you back? Your shirt is inside out, by the way.”

Joba looks down- it is.  
“oops-”

Matt starts talking again, “Your hair is really messed up too, but don’t fix it- I like it.”

Joba’s hair was all messed up from his nap and his fluffy blonde fair was pushed in all different directions.  
When Matt finished with the groceries, he put the bags in a drawer and walked over to Joba, sitting in a kitchen chair. Matt took off his jacket and put it on the table before sitting in Joba’s lap, facing him.  
Matt was wearing a pair of cut off black jeans as shorts, and a white t-shirt. Joba loved when he dressed like this. It was getting warmer outside. 

Joba puts his hands on Matt’s hips and stars into his eyes before asking, “Anymore letters from colleges?”

“not really. I have no idea what to do after high school.”

“We should go out and eat so we can talk about this in a more cliché setting.”

“You’re hilarious and I think that’s a great idea.” Matt said with a smile.

As the sun was setting, making the sky bleed a million different shades of orange and purple, Matt and Joba were being seated in a booth at Denny’s.  
It was packed but the booth somehow gave dinner an intimate feeling in the back of the restaurant.  
They order their drinks and Joba begins to ask Matt about the subject from before. The future.

“Matt,” Joba grabbed his hand under the table.  
“serious question?”

Matt’s smile suddenly looks more focused and professional. The dimples on his face fade.

“What happens to us after you graduate?”

“We stay together.”

“I don’t want to hold you down from a more promising future though. My mom always told me that if I had a girlfriend before college that I’d need to cut it off because it would stop me from doing my best. I still believe that to some extent.”

“Girlfriend?”

Joba laughed, “You’re changing the subject Matty.”

“I’m sorry.” Matt laughed, “I’m not sure. But right now, I plan on staying with you.”

Joba blushed.

“Honestly Joba I don’t ever want to leave you” Matt grabbed Joba’s other hand under the table with his free hand, “You mean so much to me. SO much-”

“here we are” Joba and Matt let go of each other.  
The waitress set their drink down on the table before asking if they were ready to order.  
Matt spoke without hesitation, “We need a minute, I think.” He flashed a smile.

Joba looked at Matt, “Thank you.”

“For ordering or for declaring you are my soulmate…?”

Joba blushed harder than he ever had in his entire life. He nodded and looked away from Matt’s eyes.  
They ordered and then Matt brought up spring break.  
“Let’s just go to Albuquerque.”

Joba agreed with a smile, warmly.  
Their hands met again. 

After they finished eating Joba told Matt about Sarah’s party.

Matt replied, “she never has parties… wait- where is it?”

“uhh… hold on let me text her.”

Some time passed before Sarah texted back and said her house. It was a different address from Matt’s mom’s house. Sarah had her own house now.  
Matt was surprised but agreed to go.

When they got to her house there were already a lot of people there.  
They looked around until they found her.  
The three of them chatted for a hot second before Matt left for the bathroom.  
Right as Matt turned the corner, Sarah told Joba that she had a shit-ton of oxy and needed someone to do it with. 

Joba hesitated thinking of how long it’s been since he did oxy.  
He agreed despite it being a very, very bad idea.

When Matt got back to Joba he assumed he was just drunk.  
The party ended.  
Matt drove him home.  
They went to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took SO LONG for an update. I've been struggling lately with everything. The updates will be back. xx (I also felt like no one cared about my fic but truthfully, I'm still gonna finish it even if no one cares)


End file.
